Well, I've made one post, so I'm here to make another! Woot! 'Yeah yeah, what's he got to tell us this time' you don't cry! Alas, a post shall be made, regardless of your stiff upper lips. Big wet baggy lips.
Not yet invented section
Hi, welcome. This is the section of the blog where I discuss things that have yet to be invented. Have a read and I think you'll agree I was correct to patent these bad boys. I got a child to draw the pictures for me. Well that's what it looks like.
Typewriter Guitar
This is an excellent idea. Imagine you're a legend on the guitar, but, you've no mind for lyrics. I have neither, so only a good idea for the guitar hero's amongst us. Let's set the scene. You're playing the most beautiful guitar riff you've ever heard. At the same time, the onboard computer is downloading the latest plug ins and writing you the next big hit! I've heard that that's how Jason Donovan wrote all his hits. You play jazz, you'll get jazz lyrics. If you play an emo sounding song, I've heard, the lyrics will be so sad and heartfelt that you'll die. Right there. Dead. You're friends will save the song, play it at your funeral and then they'll die. It's like bird flu, but...well...it has more chance of happening.
An iron that's a toaster
Every Mum knows there's never a moment to sit still in the old homestead. If it's not: 'Where's my blue jumper?'. It's, 'darling, where's my ironed shirt for the office?'. Not anymore! Well, it will be, but you can make toast at the same time. Everyone likes toast. Salt and pepper on toast is quite nice. Try it. Savoury.
A pill that changes you into other things
Take a tablet, think about what you want to be and boom! That's the tag line, so I'm pretty stoked man. I get bored of being me all the time, so, I drop one of these bad boys and become a shoe for the day or a coal miner. Well I will when someone makes it.
It already exists. A machine that will measure the level of twattyness in a person. Will it be off the scale or on your wavelength? 'Will I like Thomas, the new guy at the office?'. Come and find out!! Actual on board message response:
'No, you wont like Thomas. He's a proper twat. Look at his crappy hair and his shoes are pretty cheap looking. Not like yours, they're well shiny.'
The A.I is perfect and in some cases people have actually fallen in love with their twatometers. Janet from Barnsley said: 'It knows everything I like in a person. Everything I like in a man. He can be whoever I want for the evening. Plus, he's hung like a shire horse!' If you don't own one, you will.
Tea Towels that cough when they're dirty
They get progressively worse coughs until they're clean. I hate picking up a tea towel and waiting for a response to my question of 'how clean are you?'. They take ages to answer. A cough is an excellent way to fnd out, don't you think?
A John Barnes Machine
Turn it on, pop yourself in and come out as 80s football star and 90s crap manager, John Barnes. Pick the age of your John Barnes and customise his hair styles. Will it be dungarees for John or a three piece suit? Your choice, really.
Rumour mill!
What treats are being made in the rumour mill this week?! The excitement in town has hit fever pitch and the local supermarkets have sold out of pickled eggs as a result. One rumour that's been rumoured to have been put into prototype is that Elton John is really a robot from the future. The sounds he creates are cosmic, so it's believable.
Johnny Cash isn't dead, he's just working in Tesco's stacking shelves after hours. It's really good pay, apparently.
Terry Nutkins is actually bald. To look at his hair you wouldn't believe it, I know.
Crust can't draw
Rants of the week!
Acid house should be brought back! Yay! Let's ressurect a scene that died not so long ago! 'Shall we make a new scene?' 'No, silly! Let's look in old NME magazines and create something around the past!'. Great idea.
Here's a picture that looks nothing like a young fashionable man about town for 2007. You get the idea. Twatish
I'm discovering a annoyance for people in general really.
